Paris Romance

I was standing on the balcony of the condo, looking at the street lights of a place I want to run from when we started speaking of futures. Casually at first, like most of the conversations that have led to trouble in my life. It always starts with a dream, an apparent epiphany from a lover becomes my worst nightmare, an aspiration meets my doom.

Taking hits off my cigarette I listened to him cradle this ideal life like an infant, touching on all the soft spots, the backyard he would grill slabs of red meat in, the perfect weather, and lemonade on sunny summer days, maybe a rocking chair on a deck thrown in for kicks; the kind made of wood, painted white, with green cushions for your lazy country ass, and white piping. A swing and slide for baby pea.

I ashed my smoke then paused before suggesting maybe someday, which sounded more like a “no” than intentioned.

When it comes to planting those roots, the kind hubby wants to plant, I am terribly confused. I know for him, it is time. He is middle-aged, ready, and deserving of the title and feeling of being, “home.”

Maybe I have both of those ladies in me. I’m the kind of person who -yes- wants a garden, but in the middle of the city. I want lemonade- spiked with liquor, and the joys of public transportation at my feet. So, these aspirations of tranquility and this embodiment of small town America, there is only half of me that is drawn there. I wonder, when will I make up my mind? When will I decide where my home is?

Twenty minutes prior he was thrusting in and out of me, harder than normal and faster, how I like it. the mixture of his sweat and my pleasure left me with a dry mouth and a sore canal. The only thing on my mind was the fulfillment of my craving for each breath of lust he exhaled onto my dewy skin. That was where I wanted to be, that was my home, with him, all entangled, and sweaty.

Now we spoke in softer terms, walking back into our bedroom, I silently wished we hadn’t entered that domain. We kissed before the television took over the mood in the room, and for the rest of the night I tossed and turned, eventually dreaming of country home living.

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12/365: “Stairway series” 2 out of a set of 20.

taken with SX-70 polaroid: 600 film.

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I am taking 3 classes this summer, 16 weeks of work in 10.. this shall be interestingly stressful.

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11/365: “geek chic”

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Mya, when you grow up I want to you to attain; not power, not static happiness. I want you to attain potential. Your potential; maximize it. I want you to keep and attain the beautiful potential I already see in you. The beautiful potential that you dance in each day. The beautiful potential to be whatever you want to be.

When you grow up I want you to attain; not wealth, or contrived solace. I want you to attain dreams. Real dreams, the kind that have you tap dancing on the stars when you close your eyes, thanking Mr. Sandman and hoping the next night may bring you the same immense joy that you wiggle in each day. I see you dreaming almost every minute, hopping from day dream, to sleepy time dreams. You live a dream; where inanimate objects contain characteristics that merit hugs and kisses from you; where bath toys take on life and cause you to belly laugh with palpable intensity. I am overwhelmed by your simplistic joys for the unknown and almost discovered world around you.

When you grow up I want you to attain yourself; everything that you embody now and are yet unaware of. the knowledge that becomes entrapped in you with each passing day, remaining cognitive until ready to thrive. I want you to attain, you. The beautiful, simple, easily reached laughter. Keep it, cherish it, your potential, your happiness, your everything.

I will sit near, and remember these letters I typed in an almost prayer-like fashion. Wishing, hoping, possibly praying to something bigger, beyond, better than I that you will be able to attain everything you set your mind on getting. I hope you learn to know… know to teach.. and teach to remind yourself of your truly magnificent and unyielding potential.

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10/365: “Seemingly Kind“

Infrared film, Gelatin Silver Print.

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Although I have been away from Paris Romance, I have been thinking a lot.

I used to use this place as a safe-guard for everything that flowed through my brain. But it seems more and more that I am growing able to build a better stepping stool for communication. I dont know what that means for the future of this blog. But I have been filling my real diary, a more personal (if you can get any more) and more up to date keepsake of my flux.

Ironically, I have found that the more “damaged” I am the better able I am to communicate with myself; not so much with everyone else. For awhile I felt like I was in tune with my emotions, when in reality I had tricked myself into feeling that I was always right, everyone else was always wrong. Somehow, no matter what, I thought in terms of “with me or against me.” There was no middle ground, there was no compromise; even if I felt otherwise.

I felt I didn’t have to communicate anything to anyone because I already knew what they were thinking. I painted myself into a very lonely, and angry corner. I tried so hard to have it both ways. Live in an eternal oxymoron. I was concave, trapped In a bubble of allowing myself to be lonely yet at the same time, complain about it.

I am beginning to feel freely, openly, and in a sense, I am shedding old skin. Perhaps I am growing a new one.

It i good to keep some things private. I intend on keeping it this way.

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8/365: “almost dusk.“

I know I am bad at this 365 project, I have just been REALLY busy.

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7/365: “Bedly behavior“

I have heard a lot that when someone rips you off, it is because they like yo’ style. I say to hell with that! I say they rip you off because they want to be better at being themselves, and their emulation may stem from flattery but it soon turns into jealousy and eventually some inner contest of, “why didn’t I think of that first?” or better yet, “I can do that soooo much better.”

I don’t see it as flattering, I don’t see it as “sad”. I see it as bullshit. I see it as a blatant attempt at someone trying to take advantage of others; their ideas, conceptual processes, and talent. I see it for what it is, BULLSHIT.

But I never say anything, I will sit through a critique, see a profile online with my name on it (when it isn’t me!), see a photo with the same qualities of mine, or read a sentence that sounds soo eerily familiar in tonality to the crap-ass rhetoric I blast away on this blog. Inside, I will scream but I never speak up. Inside, I am enraged. I am pissed.

The thing that makes my stomach churn is that sometimes it is so completely blatant that it makes you wonder if somehow the offender did it maliciously. Are they this stupid that they think you won’t notice? Do they think you wont mind? Are they doing this all subconsciously?

I can’t answer those questions, and most of the time I don’t even want to. I just want to get out of the situation, walk out of the room, delete the comment I was planning on leaving, delete the draft of the message I was planning on sending. I simply let it go, walking away so pissed until ten minutes later when something else calls my attention. I may WANT to react but I always stop. Maybe it is just apathy, maybe it is partially fear of confrontation. But I think a lot of it is because I put it out there for people to see, I put it in an art show, I have it online, I post it on the photo board.. so I suppose it is one of those things you silently suck up. Even if I wanted to REALLY stir the shit pot, it is all so reminiscent of high school that I just CANT bring myself to say anything.

I will continue to be silent and angry, bitter and cynical until I learn how to feel sad for others who try to create something as their own that was never really theirs to begin with.

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6/365: “Vacant Space“

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5/365: “Drink it up“

Limitations are what sincerely keep me from opening up. I do everything within them. Limit my feels, my consumption, my borderline neurosis. I am beyond capable of telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but, I just simply choose to cater to my own limitations. I beyond capable of breaking the barrier, going the full mile, but that mile is uncharted waters and I feel safer within my own broken in limitations.

See, without limitations we are dangerous creatures, with too much pride, patriotism, and ego; too much anger and short-temperament. We become criminals without it; rogue and living with our emotions on our sleeve; swimming against the current of socially acceptable.

I think we should die with some things. I don’t know which things others would choose but I think about it all the time. As if I had committed some incredible crime. My limitations with people are what would keep me from blabbing. This is what always gets the criminals caught. Their ego. Their need for fulfillment. Their undying thirst for gratification. That limitation, that thing inside me that doesn’t want that… I think that is what would make me the perfect criminal… you know.. if morality isn’t something I chose to adopt.

Limitations are what have awkwardly set me free; free from expectation. They have let me understand that others don’t really give a hoot about your life. Limitations have taught me that others are just looking for openings; and opening for them to give their advice, opinion, and side of the story. And really, limitations have taught me to just shut my mouth and smile.

So, I do it.. give them the opening, shut my mouth, smile, and daydream… ah, limitations.

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4/365: “Little Piggies“

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This is me, eating. Now don’t go getting all excited.. I barely ate a quarter of it. But, I ate the rest of it periodically throughout the day. So, yes, I am trying to get better. But no, it’s not a burger. It’s fish.

One step at a time.

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While I am busy momming and wifing it up, the people over at Nerds do it better asked me to hand this over to you all. It’s a romance article… It’s very informative! CLICK!

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3/365

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I don’t have anything to talk about today so go HERE and read my blog about Hillary Clinton.. don’t forget to leave your much appreciated opinions!!

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